Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I Am Made of Fail

Well, that pretty much sums it up.

I'm almost two weeks into the dietary changes and I've lost nothing.  Zero.  Zip.  Zilch.  Nadarino.  In fact, I may have actually put on a pound.

Now, I could give you a whole list of reasons why this is the case - and they'd be good reasons.  It's not like I'd be saying things like "Oh, I just didn't get around to it."  But it ultimately comes down to the fact that I just didn't make great choices and there were more days than one in which I said "screw it."  I allowed myself to screw up and then I allowed myself to keep screwing up because I figured once a single bad choice was made the whole day was a waste.  That quickly adds up to derailing yourself.

I'm pretty disgusted with myself.  Not just because I'm fat and that alone disgusts me but also because I should be strong enough to do this.  I should be able to have the discipline and I clearly do not.  What the hell is wrong with me?

Yes, I have a food diary.  I've been journaling my food every day for a couple of weeks.  I missed a few days for those good reasons I mentioned but I'm still continuing to make the effort.

I'm frustrated.  I'm angry with myself.  I feel like a failure every single day because of this.  I cannot seem to make headway and I'm so bothered by it.  This is the one thing in my life I'm trying to do just for myself and I can't even get it right.  Just like everything else in my life, I appear to be falling down on the job on a consistent basis.


  1. *HUGS*

    The AA people have at least one thing right - take it a day at a time. You're not a failure. If you were a failure, you'd be dead! You're still trying, still kicking, and we all love you for it. Ask God to forgive you if you can't forgive yourself, and move on.

    Have a fruit, a wee dab of cheese, and a sit with a favorite song when you want to fall off the wagon... or when the cravings get bad. Drink water. Deep breaths.

    It's going to be okay, you'll get there. Believe you me, I know how much it sucks right now. I've fought the self-image fight as long as you've known me, and it's horribly depressing.

    Thing is, this isn't you. I know you're better than this. You can do it.

  2. Thanks, Trista. *hug*

    I know I'm better than this, too, which is why I'm so damn frustrated.

  3. Right now I'm drinking a shit-ton of water, not eating half as much, and going for short walks in an effort to start losing the weight I've accumulated thanks to my reduced activity level. It's a pain in the ass and it's frustrating as all hell but dammit, we WILL do this.