The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

My days almost always contain all three things.  In general, that's the life of the stay-at-home parent.  Moments of awesome punctuated with extended periods of not so awesome.

Here's today as an example.

The Good:

Being at home with the kids all the time means that if I decide I want to bake chocolate chip muffins as a mid-morning snack, I can do that.

If those muffins are in the shape of dinosaurs, so much the better, right?  It's little things like this that make it fun to be home with the kids.  I'd never have time on a random Monday to do that kind of thing otherwise.

The Bad:

Jamie has another (or perhaps the same) cold.  He's not sleeping well, he's cranky, he's got green snot pouring out his nose, and I'd bet a large sum of money that he has another ear infection, too.  I'm doing my best to keep him happy but there really isn't a lot I can do for him aside from try to keep him as comfortable as possible.  His check-up is tomorrow so we're holding out until then to see the doctor.  None of this is something I've never dealt with before but I am positively weary of dealing with it this winter.  I feel like I'm suffocating under a load of snotty tissues, snotty attitudes, and snotty/chapped cheeks.

The Ugly:

We've been fighting an on-going battle with Liam over his attitude.  I feel like I'm living with a three year old in a 6 year old's body.  He's nasty, he's rude, he defiant, he throws tantrums.  He's driven both and Scot and me to the very edge multiple times.  We're trying very hard to help him work through this and survive him in the meantime but I'm really exasperated with my kid right now.  Every single request, however minor, is met with resistance.  So, today, when I asked him to leave the room so I could get dressed, he turned on the attitude with me because I didn't kick his brother out, too.  I kind of lost it with him.  It was a minor thing but, coming on top of what the last several weeks have been like, I yelled at him.

(An aside:  I asked Liam to leave because I'm beginning to find it uncomfortable having my 6 year old boy around when I'm naked.  Call me a prude, but there is an age where it becomes inappropriate and I'd rather listen to what my instincts are telling me than have him be 11 and walking in on me in the shower.  Also, frankly, Mommy just needs some personal space every now and then and I can trust Liam not to destroy everything in sight in the 5 minutes it takes me to get dressed.  The same cannot be said for his brother.)

I'm looking forward to reaching a point in time where there are more Good moments than Bad or Ugly moments in my day.  Those of you with older children, don't shatter my illusions about the idea that those days will exist in the future.

What Was Different About Today

Like almost every other parent in the Pittsburgh area, I read Burgh Baby. One of the things she has said about the challenge of blogging every day is that she asks herself "What was different about today?" Some days that answer is good, some days that answer is bad.

Today was one of the bad days in my house. Jamie is apparently working on another tooth and it's making him just about as miserable as he's ever been. He can't nap. He can't play. He can't eat. His whole world is revolving around the pain in his mouth. He's crabby, to say the least.

Liam isn't much better. Teeth are not his issue but I'm pretty sure the colony of bugs that crawled up his butt are causing some problems. His day can be summed up in one simple phrase: if given the choice between Devil or Angel, he chose Devil all day long. Jumping on the furniture? Check. Purposely doing things to make his brother cry? Check (as if Jamie needed any help with THAT). Sassing me? Checkity check check check.

I felt as though my whole day was spent yelling at one of them, attempting to console the other, and trying not to lose my cool.

Also different about today was the fact that I am in a frenzy of trip planning and packing as we are headed to Deep Creek for the holiday weekend. We're renting a house with my parents as well as my sister and her family. There are so many things to remember to pack that I have an entire pad of paper filled with lists and my head is regularly spinning. In between bouts of screaming, teething toddler and sassy, attitude-filled 5 year old I was attempting to take a whack at packing.

And then there were two moments, one really good and one enraging, that also made today different. I'll start with the good one just to break up all this whiny stuff.

I took the kids outside to play in the kiddie pool this afternoon. It was Jamie's first time doing so and he was pretty into it. I took a blanket out there with us and spread it on the lawn so I could sit and be comfortable while watching the kids. I took their towels and made a pillow so I could lay down and watch the fluffy white clouds drift by. I sat there listening to the wind in the trees and the laughter of my children. I thought to myself "Well, this is so much better than how the rest of the day has been!"

The enraging moment comes courtesy of a trip to the blog of Virginia Montanez. She has a post up today about Amy Ambrusko and the playground she is attempting to build in the memory of her two children who died in a car accident a year ago. Please go read the post for the full story as it's really too long to summarize here.

Suffice it to say that after I read it I was enraged. To think that some people would pull the "not in my backyard" crap when a woman who is grieving is just trying to do something to benefit others makes me stabby. Truly, truly stabby. What is wrong with some people? I sat there seething - I had such a long, miserable day with the kids and this only fed into my ridiculously bad mood. I was outraged for Amy.

Which led me to think about this: my kids may have driven me completely batshit insane today but they were here. Amy doesn't have that luxury. Who am I to let my bad mood get the best of me in the face of that? Of course, yes, I'm allowed to have a day in which I find being a parent to be the ultimate challenge. But, in the end, it's always good to remember that it could be a whole lot worse.

So there you have it. That's what was different about today.

And Suddenly The Universe Puts it All in Perspective

I've been grousing a lot lately about how hard having an infant is and how much I wish I could have a day off. Jamie's been sick and teething so I haven't been getting a lot of sleep and as the days drag on and I continue to get very little sleep I have more frequent thoughts of having a vacation.

I dream about going away for the weekend. Without the kids. Without the husband. Without the dog. Going somewhere ALONE and having no responsibility except to myself and my own desires. Sleep when I want and for as long as I want. Eating alone and without interruption. Reading a book. Watching adult TV.

I constantly wonder what I thought I was doing having another baby just when life was getting easier with Liam.

And then I walked into daycare this morning with Liam.

There was a sign posted on the door about a little girl who attends the daycare. She was 18 months old and she died of SIDS at her home on Friday. She was healthy in all ways. Now, those parents have lost their little girl with no warning.

I cannot imagine the pain they must be going through. I can't imagine trying to go on with your life when there's a hole in it where your kid used to be. Suddenly, my life really doesn't seem that bad or that hard. I bet those parents would give anything to get up in the middle of the night with their little girl. I bet they'd give anything to be exasperated with her getting into something for the 87th time when she knows better.

So, even though I'm tired and cranky and on the edge of getting sick myself I'm happy right where I am.