Saturday, May 1, 2010

The Mind, It Reels.

I invite you to go and refresh your memory regarding Liam's friend David.

All done?  On to the story then.

When I picked up Liam from daycare yesterday afternoon, a little note was waiting for him in his box.  "Oh no," I thought.  "Another birthday invitation."  We've been getting those a lot lately and he's had a birthday party to attend the last two weekends.  Me, my wallet, and my wasted time are getting mighty tired of hauling him around to birthday parties.

I opened the invitation to see who it was from and it was from David.  Swear words may or may not have escaped my lips.  Only the gods know.

Without mentioning anything to Liam, I shoved it in my purse for further inspection when we arrived home.  The envelope felt awfully thick and it seemed as though there was more than just an invite in there.  I wanted to thoroughly peruse this little gem before I made any mention of it to Liam.

Was there more in there?  Oh yes, indeedy, there was.  There was an entire typed 8.5 x 11 inch piece of paper with extra information about a birthday party for a FIVE YEAR OLD.  I was a little shocked and I only got more so as I began to read.  Let's peruse together, shall we?

  1. This party runs for five, count them, FIVE hours.  Who, in their right mind, has a birthday party for god knows how many 5 year olds that runs that long?  The kids will be completely wound up before those 5 hours are over.  Not to mention the logistical nightmare of trying to figure out how to deal with siblings who may or may not be able to deal with being out during that 5 hour block.
  2. They are providing transportation.  Meet at daycare, transportation will take your child to the venue, then return them to daycare at the conclusion of the party.  Is this really some super secret wedding ceremony between David and Suri Cruise?  And if so, isn't a 2 year age difference a little much at this age?
  3. They will be providing admission and all that good stuff as well as lunch and the standard party goody bag.  Ok, pretty normal.  If your kid doesn't like pizza, they can bring money and purchase something else.  Well, my picky ass kid wouldn't be down with either of those two options so we'd have to pack him a lunch and then hope he didn't lose it.
  4. They have lined up enough chaperons that there will be one adult for every two children.  That's pretty nice of them and I appreciate it.  The problem is that I know the kind of people David is exposed to and there is not even one tiny iota of a chance that I will sanction them as chaperons for my kid.  These are the same people who took their 4 year old to see Avatar, after all.
  5. Want to bring a sibling or a friend?  Go ahead, just let them know so they can pay for them.  Bloody hell, are they made of money?!
  6. If I would prefer to come along and chaperon my kid, that's A-OK by them, but I have to pay to get myself in.  This one makes a lot of sense except that they're spending so much cash anyway I don't even know why they bothered.
  7. They used the phrase "children's' playtime."  I think the part of my brain that deals with grammar just shriveled up and died a very nasty death.
So.  Let me make sure I have this correct.  You are throwing a birthday party for your 5 year old kid that rivals the planning process and budget of some weddings?

I am gobsmacked.  I don't know how else to put it.  My kid would be happy with some presents, a cake, and a sugar high.

The good news is that it turns out the party is scheduled for a day that we will be out of town.  We've been planning this trip for at least 4 or 5 months so we're not going to drop it so Liam can attend a birthday party.  Therefore, he will be unable to make it.  Crisis averted.

I was worried about telling Liam of this little schedule conflict but when I explained to him that we couldn't make the party because of the trip his response was "That's OK, I didn't want to go anyway."

Well.  Once again, crisis averted.

Is it Graduation Day yet?


  1. I know it's beside the point, but Liam doesn't like pizza? I thought every kid liked pizza.

    So, David's parents were the obnoxious assholes sitting behind me with their four year old at Avatar. Good to know. Tell them to defenestrate themselves.

    Where did they hold the party? The five hour party of doom?

  2. Yeah, my kid is super picky. He had reflux as a baby and anything tomato based gave him horrendous heartburn. So, he'll eat pizza crust but not actual pizza because of the sauce.

    I would love to defenestrate them. They have no boundaries.

    The party was at the Carnegie Science Center. So, plenty kid friends but still, FIVE HOURS?!