I Think I Can

Remember way back a few months ago I talked about how I was going to lose all this weight and that I was on the wagon and how I was gonna be all skinny by summer?

Well. Temptation came, tapped me on the shoulder, and gave me a hand down from the wagon. Meanwhile, whoever was driving that jalopy kicked it into high gear and drove off down the road at breakneck speed leaving me in the dust with my good friend Temptation.

So here it is two months down the road and I'm right back where I started. I had lost about 4 pounds at one point but that's all right back where it was. I disgust myself. I can't stand the way I look, I can't stand the way my clothes fit, and I'm dreading the arrival of summer and the advent of skimpier clothes.

I have drawn the line in the sand. This is it.

Yesterday I flagged down that speeding wagon and hauled every last pound of my flesh back up onto it. I started a food journal in an effort to find a way to be accountable for the things I choose to eat. That is also the reason I chose to put all of this on the blog. I feel like I have to shame myself through public humiliation into making the right decisions because sheer willpower alone isn't cutting it.

Yesterday and today have been OK. I've made some not so great choices about snacks. I've eaten a bit more than I should between meals. But, on the plus side, I've had nothing but water to drink and lots of it and I've made better choices about my meals.

One of my biggest hurdles is snacking after the kids go to bed. I tend to sit in front of the TV trying to wind down for the day and I have a really bad habit of eating in front of the TV. So whenever I sit down at night I want to snack and keep on snacking. I'm really trying to focus my willpower on halting that behavior. Last night I had a little bit while watching TV but significantly less than I've done in days past. I'm hoping to clamp down on my impulses and get better.

When the snow disappears, I'm going to start walking with the baby. Liam is in daycare three days a week so that gives me time to walk without having to drag him with me and then I can squeeze some time in on the weekend, too.

It's going to be hard work. I know it is. But I'm tired of living like this. I'm tired of looking like this. I'm tired of feeling the way I do - tired, heartburn, aches and pains in my knees. It's got to stop and I have to drop 30 pounds.

So it starts here.